I Hurt People In Different Ways

Two of my closest colleagues were sick. One is COVID positive and another was really really sick. Sabishka Biswash went to his hometown after getting his positive results. We all knew that he is sick and he’s been at home for 3 days now. All his colleagues and mine called him to ask about his situation except me.

I am one of the closest people toSsabishka and I did not call him. Sabishka expressed how sorry he was for not calling him when he fell sick to one of my colleagues.

I knew that I should have called him. It’s more than just a natural courtesy. He is more like my brother than a colleague.

The reason behind me writing this and any of my writings is because I am shy. In a bad way.

It’s awkward for me. I have and have been trying to seem more natural around people. More lively around everyone. I even can’t express what I feel to myself. This “trying to seem” thing is just me pretending. I am not who I seem like when I am in front of you.

I don’t like socializing, talking to anyone, listening to someone. Looking at someone’s eyes is just tough for me. Calling people just to talk is a wild west of a concept for me. I have never had friends. It’s just not a normal thing for me to do.

I knew that I should’ve called him but I didn’t because it was such a hard thing for me to even imagine. Calling someone who is sick and just starting a conversation from scratch is just extreme.

I am not sad when I don’t talk to anyone and just stare at something. It’s just normal for me.

I am not writing all these to justify this situation. Because justification requires a following solution to a problem. I don’t see a problem in me. It’s just how I am. I am writing this because I need to express what’s inside me. I suffocate because of the amount of emotions I feel, the words I want to speak out. Writing is the only way I have found to be able to express the real me otherwise I am always just pretending to fit in and socialize. Introvert? I don’t give a single fuck to these terms. I care about what it really is that I feel.

I can love someone as a friend, colleague or as a partner but the process of expressing is something I have been trying to master but fail in, miserably, regularly.

I am genuinely sorry that Sabishka or for that matter anyone ever was hurt by me. I never wanted to hurt you. I lack friends in my life and I feel the need for that. I won’t ever intentionally hurt you. I am really sorry for anything and everything.